50PoWriMo - XXV

the russian czar and the aztec goddess



she kept a list of all her lovers
carefully created curlicued calligraphy
in gold glitter gel pen
writ bold on her bedroom wall
a timeline of trysts
a chronology of consorts
a history of hookups
a lineage of liaisons
she never knew the name of number one
nor several of his successors
and most of the monikers were missing from her memory
but she never forgot a face
or a quirk
or a characteristic
or a body
so she knew noone was missed from her list
her suite of suitors sobriquets
starting with "the silent shadow"
(a teenage trembler
at a party she should never have attended)
who she had climbed on a cupboard
to inscribe close to the cornice in the corner
she liked to lie and let her eyes
rest on members of the castlist of her memories
each nickname an episode title
in the show she wished she was making
some were classics like "the impossible dreamer"
"lullaby" or "all the invisible things"
relationships that had ebbed and flowed
story arcs that delineated chunks of her past
some still gave her chills just to think of them
like "ironman", "the perfect flaw" or "constant gift"
she still got a laugh from that time
starting at about the middle of column two
where she was choosing partners
so their names fitted with their predecessors
"new man" and "bad eel"
"the black saint" and "the sinner lady"
"vodka" "lime" and "soda"
"benji" "zax" and "the alien prince"

it's a cliche about regret
but she never regretted anything she had done
there were two names on the wall, however
that she only saw with sorrow
the lovers she should never have let leave

"the russian czar"
she met in a bar
drinking vodka and kahlua
he had perfect hair
and a regal air
she wanted to topple him then and there
he was the biggest of shots
and she knew that she ought
to barely have given him a second thought
but she wanted to please him
nearly did her knees in
working hard to thaw his heart that was freezing
til he left one october
without word it was over
and it was after new year's before she was sober

"the aztec goddess" was one quarter mexican
didn't speak much spanish - except bedroom lexicon
like tlazolteotl she brought purification
and a sense their relationship brought recreation
each one redefined in reference to the other
intimately intertwined living as lovers
closer than they ever could have imagined being to a person
one coin with two sides, two different versions
of the same earth-child entity
but that was only their private identity
they hated each other's family and friends
the real world conspired their inevitable end


back in her boudoir bedecked with gold letters
as she takes up her pen to chalk up her new lover
there's always a pause to think "would it be better
if the list was just those two and i forgot the others?"





many thanks to the lovely @Heilewelt who suggested the title to me on the twitter - not convinced this rambling mess does her justice, but at least it's not for lack of effort.